Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
