No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
