I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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