There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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