I am puke
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I smell like Dick and happiness
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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