i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize