During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
