Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
how does that bad decision feel?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
