I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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