I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize