Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
