Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
