My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
