Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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