I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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