you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He shit in the fireplace
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
