I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
