member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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