note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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