please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
