Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
