There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
