Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
