Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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