YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
