I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
