I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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