I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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