can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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