there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
