I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
