your parents love me but you hate me
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
