How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize