shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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