I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
