"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize