the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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