Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
