I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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