I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
