I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
