My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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