on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
