I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this boner is exhausting
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
