you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
