so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
