Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
