I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
