if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
