My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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