You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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