Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
