hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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