how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
