Where did you get a picture of my penis
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
