guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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