Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i now understand why vodka
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
