Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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