You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
