Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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