Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
