Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You ruined the universe
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
