Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
