apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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