Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
