I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
