He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
