if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
