Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
we're so committed to being not committed
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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