i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
