two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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