He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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