Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
