My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
