I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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